Idiots Anonymous
by Elf Asato
Summary: [TatsumiWatari, TsuzukiHisoka] Hisoka just up and decides that he doesn't wanna be Tsuzuki's partner! What is the little inu to do? Complete: Love! Resolution! Weathermen! Oh My!
1. Chapter One

**Title**: Idiots Anonymous

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: (so far) Tatsumi/Watari

**Warnings**: OOC, Elfish-angst, general insanity, shounen-ai

**Disclaimer**: All these cute Yami characters are Matsushita-sensei's, not mine.  I'm just _borrowing_ them for…ah…_entertainment_ uses…yeah….  (_whose _entertainment?)

**Notes**: You _never_ hear about Illinois…poor Illinois… (Illinois: Poor me)

**Summary**: Tsuzuki, you're going to be a sad little puppy when you find out…  (Tsuzuki :[with unimaginable cuteness]  Whaat?  Why?)  ^^;;  Zip.  (Tsuzuki: T.T  Hidoiiiii…)

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Idiots Anonymous

By Elf Asato

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The first thing Tsuzuki saw as he bounded into the office in an exceptionally perky mood that day was a simple, yet elegant, small, white envelope with his name on it.  …Make that the first thing he _should_ have seen instead of the donuts and pastries ten feet past it.  Scratch that.  He just started eating automatically.  For all Tsuzuki knew, he could be eating Tatsumi's sleeve.

…Which he was.

Ooh.

"**I am not a donut!**" Tatsumi seethed as he tried to shake Tsuzuki off him.

"Yeah, but you're just as sweet!" Watari smiled brightly, bursting out of nowhere to take the opportunity to embarrass the secretary.

"No I'm not, I'm _stale_!" Tatsumi stated, as dignified as he could in all his staleness.

"I think I'd have to be the judge of that…."

"…What?  …No!  Hey!  Cut that out!"

One of the many mistakes Kachou was going to make that day was walking into the office for a cup of coffee.  He just _stared_ at the sight of Watari and Tsuzuki both gnawing on Tatsumi.

"I'm not going to ask," he muttered as he turned back.

Tatsumi tried yet again to shake off both the sugar glutton and the mad scientist.  "Both of you!  Off!  Now!"

Tsuzuki growled playfully and turned into an inu while Watari kept gnawing on Tatsumi's ear.

"Grr, stop it!  Tsuzuki, I need to talk to you."

The said inu wiggled his butt around and looked at Tatsumi with a happy face.

"Aww, my Tatsumi's so cute when he's trying to be angry!" Watari squealed as he glomped him.

Tatsumi growled as much as he could at the mad little scientist, but how long can you be mad at Watari?  _Really_ now?  As much as he hated to see his little blond weirdo upset, he _had_ to talk to Tsuzuki.  "Watari, don't you have _work_ you need to be doing?"

"Nope!" Watari chirped cheerfully, "I'm _free_ for the day!"

Somehow, Tatsumi didn't believe that…and in the off chance that it was true, that would have to change…  "Well…shouldn't you go work on your…ah," Tatsumi gulped, knowing that it was a bad idea, "…_sex-changing potion?_"

Tsuzuki's eyes bugged.

Watari narrowed his eyes and accused, "You're trying to get rid of me, aren't you?!"

"Yes."

"Oooooh," Watari growled as he stormed off, "You're sleeping on the couch tonight, mister!!!"

Tatsumi sweatdropped, knowing he'd have to do some major sweet-talking later that night…

"Tatsumi's in trouuuuuble!" Tsuzuki sang, too cute for his own good.

"Ahem, Tsuzuki," Tatsumi cleared his throat, trying to not think of the sulky Watari he would encounter at home…

"Hm?" the inu hummed as he looked at the secretary with wide and terribly innocent eyes.

"As you may have noticed—"

"Nope."

"Er…there's an envelope on your desk…"

Tsuzuki cocked his head.  "What about it?"

Tatsumi tried with all his might not to strangle the incredibly cute inu.  "…Read it."

"But I don't wanna read!" the inu protested cutely.

The secretary sighed and said tersely, "**Fine**!  I'll read it _for_ you!"

Tsuzuki plopped down on the floor.  "Yay!  Story time!"

Sighing again, he said as he opened the envelope and took out the letter inside, "I don't think you're going to like this story, Tsuzuki…"  Clearing his throat and ignoring the inu when he mimicked him, Tatsumi read: 

          "_Dear Tsuzuki,_

_                   I know I've been your partner longer than most and that we've gotten through some rough times.  Like I've said before, there's no place for you to go other than up, but unfortunately, I won't be with you to see that.  I resigned as your partner as of late last night and rather than burdening Tatsumi with telling you, I decided to write you a letter.  You probably want to know why, and the answer is…I can't stand you.  I've tried putting up with your actions, mannerisms, and emotions, but I _can't_ anymore.  It's just too much.  I got to thinking that a partner who can't stand to be around you isn't a very good one at all, and as a result, I've decided this.  I hope you have better luck with partners in the future and maybe your next partner…will be one who can actually stand you.  Good luck._

          _Sincerely,_

          _Hisoka_"

When Tatsumi finished reading, Tsuzuki was not an inu.  In fact, he was a very angsty-looking big person with big watery eyes.  "Ta-Tatsumi!  That's not very nice so…don't joke around!  …Read me what it…actually…says…?"

The secretary sighed.  "Tsuzuki, I wish it didn't actually say that, but it does.  Here, you can see for yourself," he muttered as he handed Tsuzuki the letter.

Tsuzuki took read the letter again and again, hoping that Hisoka would just pop out of somewhere and tell him it was all a cruel joke.  Unfortunately, there was no popping Hisoka and it wasn't a cruel, poorly thought out joke.  "Ta…tsumi…  He's really…serious…?"

Solemnly, Tatsumi nodded.  "He's already been transferred somewhere else…"

"Where?!  Where?!" Tsuzuki gasped suddenly as he grabbed Tatsumi's shirt.  "Tell me where!  I _need_ to find him!!!"

"I…I can't!" Tatsumi said sadly as his glasses slipped.  "It's…against regulations.  If I could, I would…"

Tsuzuki stared at the man in front of him for a second or two before pushing up his glasses for him and muttering suggestively in his ear, "If you tell me…I'll…make it worth your while…"

Tatsumi grabbed Tsuzuki's hands and gently placed them at the violet-eyed one's side.  "No.  I'm sorry."

"Oh…oh come on!  I'll…I'll…I'll _never_ go over my budget on an assignment _again_!" Tsuzuki cried out desperately, even though everyone and their dog knew it was a lie.

"_No_," the secretary repeated firmly and started to walk away.

"Tatsumiiiiiii!!!!" Tsuzuki cried out as he glomped him from behind.  "**Please** help me out!!  Y-you _love_ me don't you????  _Pleaaaaaaase?_  Can't you just accidentally let it slip?!  I'll sleep with you if you do!"

"**WHAT?!**" Tatsumi cried out as he whirled around.  "**No no no no no no and NO!**  Absolutely _not_!"  He was already in enough trouble with Watari as it was already!

Tsuzuki just paused and stared for a second…then spazzed, "Come _on_!  If you _don't_ tell me, I'll sleep with you and – and – and I'll tell Watari and – and I'll take pictures, too!  And –"

"**FINE**," Tatsumi growled through clenched teeth.  He looked around to make sure no one was listening before he muttered, trying to look as nonchalant as he could in the process, "…America."

"What?" Tsuzuki asked cutely, not at all comprehending.  "Where's that?"

Tatsumi just walked away and pretended like he didn't hear him.

"Taaaaaaaatsumiiiiiiii!  Hidoi…" Tsuzuki whined, but then he got an idea.  "Byakko!" he called to the wind tiger, who randomly popped out of his pocket, "Go and find Hisoka for me!"

Byakko flashed a victory sign and sang, "Byakko's here to save the daaaaaaay~!"  Then he popped off somewhere to go find that angsty teen…

*~@~*

Somewhere out there, Hisoka woke up and saw a giant tiger floating outside his window…

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To Be Continued…!

(dun dun duuuuuuundramaticreverb…)

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^_^  Like many things, I thought of this while doing the dishes.  …I've either got to stop doing them or do them more often ^^;;

Tsuzuki: That was a **MEAN** thing to do to poor defenseless me, Elffy-chaaaaaaan!  **MEANIE!**

Elf: Guilty as charged ^_^; v

Anyway, yes.  Hope you enjoyed this first part!  (And hope it'll help take your mind off my creepy Hisoka Doll, if you're following it!  ^^;;)


	2. Chapter Two

**Title**: Idiots Anonymous

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: Still just Tatsumi/Watari ^_~

**Warnings**: Suzaku and Byakko terrorizing the passengers on the plane, OOC, general insanity, shounen-ai

**Disclaimer**: All these cute Yami characters are Matsushita-sensei's, not mine.  I'm just _borrowing_ them for…ah…_entertainment_ uses…yeah….  (_whose _entertainment?)

**Notes**: (Illinois: [flaps arms] I'm heard of! I'm heard of!)  ^^;

**Summary**: Suzaku and Byakko have fun on the plane as Tsuzuki flies to America to track down his partner!  (Tsuzuki: Hisoka come home!!!!!!!)

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Idiots Anonymous

By Elf Asato

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Two days had passed since Tsuzuki received the letter from Hisoka and quite frankly, he couldn't take it anymore!  "Tatsumiiiiiii!" the inu whined as he burst into the secretary's office.  "You said you'd do something!!!!!!"

"Eh?" Tatsumi asked, a bit confused about the interruption as he looked up from his papers.  Apparently he had been trying to ignore Watari, who was sitting on his desk.

"Do what, Tsuzuki?" Watari asked, just as confused as Tatsumi, but a bit more oblivious.

Tsuzuki, though, was the King of Obliviousness.  "He said he'd help me get back Hisoka-chan in secret since he's not really authorized for that sort of thing and would probably get in trouble if anyone found out…" the inu rambled on as he flapped his arms for emphasis.

Tatsumi paled and tried to deny the whole thing, but Watari knew better.

"Sooo," the blond said, teasing lightly, "my Tatsumi's gone and – "

"Shh!" Tatsumi hissed as he laid an expert finger on Watari's lips to silence him.  "Not so loud!  …Okay, okay, okay…Tsuzuki, come here."  Like a good inu, Tsuzuki obeyed and his friend went on in a sigh, "I had to pay for this out of my own pocket so it wouldn't show up at work…  This is a plane ticket – Tsuzuki, do you know what a plane is? – to Illinois.  The flight leaves tomorrow and you'll have a total of _two days_ off work to find him…and hopefully bring him back.  You won't take a flight back to Japan once those two days are over – you'll just come straight here, understand?"

Tsuzuki nodded once…twice…and three times before saying, "Yep!  …But…why do I have to fly to Illinois?"

"According to Byakko, Hisoka's on assignment there," Tatsumi explained as he dug around in his desk drawer, brought out a slip of paper, and gave it to Tsuzuki.  "This is the hotel he and his partner are staying at.  Once you get to Illinois, you'll have to ask around."

"This is so complicated!" inu Tsuzuki almost cried.

Tatsumi sighed and massaged his temples, "…And we're probably breaking at least a dozen rules…"

"My Tatsumi's such a rebel," Watari giggled, but then asked seriously, "…But why can't Tsuzuki just teleport to Illinois if he's teleporting back here from there…?"

The secretary gave Watari _that look_.  "You seriously trust Tsuzuki to teleport safely to a place he's never been before?"

Watari just laughed, "You're right – he'd probably end up stuck inside a wall or something!"

"Hidoiiiiiiii!!!!!" the inu cried, his eyes becoming watery, as he ran out the office.  "You're all so mean!!!!!"

*~@~*

The very next day, Tsuzuki found himself on the plane to Illinois.  "Waaaah, I'm scared, Suzaku!!" he cried out as he hugged his fiery phoenix in human form to comfort himself.  "There are all these people I don't know and they're all staring at me!"

Suzaku smiled in that motherly way and stroked Tsuzuki's head, sitting next to him in an empty seat by the window.  Tsuzuki was too upset from the takeoff to want to sit there.  "Dear Tsuzuki, that's probably because you're crying to and hugging someone these humans can't hear or see."

"But…but…why don't you let them see you so they'll stop staring at me like that!"

Like the bird she was, Suzaku chirped cheerfully and explained, "Because then I'd have to buy a ticket!"

Tsuzuki turned away from her and curled up into a little ball on the itchy plane seat, resting his head uncomfortably on its arm.  Tatsumi was too cheap to send him first-class, no matter how much he begged.  "Money.  That's all that matters to you people!!"

"Yep!" Suzaku chirped again as a flight attendant came down the aisle and smacked the back of Tsuzuki's head with the refreshment cart.

Secretly, Tsuzuki just _knew_ it was because Watari was keeping such a close eye on Tatsumi that he didn't have to ride with the cargo…  He'd have to thank him later…  Growing bored, he decided to pester Suzaku again.  "Suzaku," he complained, "I'm bored!"

"Hello, Bored!" she said happily, giving him a corny smile.

"This _plane_ is boring.  Why did Tatsumi send me on such a boring trip?"

Suzaku patted his head and smiled.  "To get back your beloved partner, of course!"

"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki exclaimed, once again regaining the light in his eyes that had dulled out of boredom.  "I'll be bored just this once for _him_!"  Immediately, he sat in his seat quietly and barely moved.

At first Suzaku nodded in agreement, but then she began to think of all the past times when Tsuzuki had been bored…  "Oh no you don't!" she said to him in that authoritarian voice.  "We've got to keep you entertained!"

"But…but…but I _need_ to be bored for Hisoka!  Although he wants to bore me, he never really does, so I should be as bored as I can without him so that when I see him again, I'll be soooo attentive to him that he'll _have_ to come home with me!" Tsuzuki actually pleaded, gaining the odd looks from the passengers around him.

If Suzaku saw any flaw in this romantic logic, she showed no sign of it.  Instead, she crossed her arms and said, "Hmph!  Well _I'm_ bored!"

Tsuzuki smiled and patted her arm, thoroughly unaware that nearly every single passenger was watching him, aside from the man who had actually managed to sleep.  "Well _you_ can entertain yourself.  I'll wait for Hisoka, thank you very much."  With that, he sat still in his seat with a happy, dazed smile on his face.  Who knew _what_ that little Shinigami was thinking…

As a Shikigami and one of the four celestial gods, Suzaku was able to do many things and one of which enabled her to call any of the other three whenever she wanted solely in her mind.  

Within a few seconds, a Byakko in human form popped into Suzaku's lap and greeted her with an enthusiastic hug.  "Suzaaaaaaaaku!!  My pretty fire maiden!"  His attention then turned to his Shinigami master.  "Heeeeey…what's with Tsuzuki?  He's just sitting there!"

Tsuzuki showed no acknowledgement of Byakko's presence, if he knew at all about it.

"Oh don't mind him," Suzaku dismissed offhandedly, "he's just thinking about that cute partner of his.  I'd go back out of boredom, but Tsuzuki would most likely pitch a fit if I did."

"Eh…?  You mean you have to stay here on the plane with him?" Byakko asked as he tilted his head like a cat.

Suzaku nodded in mock solemnity.  "It's very boring, especially since Tsuzuki insists on sitting there like a lump, trying to be bored."

Byakko placed his hands on Suzaku's shoulders and promised her with all his heart, "I will entertain you!"  He then pulled back into himself and put a finger under his chin, trying to think of ways to entertain the fiery bird as she sat there in anticipation.  Suddenly after thinking of a show Tsuzuki had once watched, he was struck with brilliant, yet slightly evil inspiration and demonstrated it by giggling.

"Ooh, ooh," Suzaku said excitedly when she heard the tiger let out a giggle that little boys do so well when they know they're about to do something that's funny to _them_, but very, very evil to everyone else.

Byakko flashed her a feral grin and vanished suddenly.

Thinking Byakko wanted to play hide-and-seek, Suzaku craned her neck to look for any odd spot he might be, but what caught her eye was not _inside_ the plane…but _out_.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Byakko holding onto the wing of the plane (which, fortunately, was where Tsuzuki's seat was), flapping around in the wind – looking like a paper tiger.

Seeing that she saw him, Byakko smiled and waved, giving her the V sign.

Suzaku laughed and gave him a standing ovation, clapping as she threw him kisses.  She sat back down and watched him flap in the wind with interest as he apparently enjoyed himself.

Suddenly there was a piercing shriek by the woman sitting behind Suzaku.  "_There's something on the wing of the plane!!_" she cried out in panic, it sounded.

Soon, almost everyone on the plane leaned over to one side to see the paper tiger flapping around happily on the wing, each voicing their alarm.

Realizing that the reason Byakko was giggling like that because he planned to make himself _seen_, Suzaku started laughing hysterically, though she knew she really should have been chiding him for pulling such a stunt.  "Tsu-Tsuzuki!!" she gasped in between fits of laughter as she nearly collapsed on him, "C-come see what your Sh-Shiki is-is doing!!"

Caught in his own little world where no one but Hisoka was, Tsuzuki paid no heed to his hysterical Shiki.

A voice went over the intercom, making Suzaku double over in laughter, "Uh…this is your captain speaking…  We're having…minor turbulence due to…something attaching itself on our wing…so please return calmly to your seats…  We've got this all under control."

Still laughing as passengers reluctantly returned to their seats (but they still craned their necks to watch what they identified to be a man on the wing), Suzaku motioned for Byakko to come back inside the plane with her, but the tiger flapping in the wind just shook his head and his smile told her that he _loved_ it out there.

The co-pilot, after speaking to first-class, came back to coach and announced that they would have to ground the plane to get the man safely off the wing, though heaven help him if he knew how someone had gotten out there anyway.

After hearing the announcement, Suzaku got Byakko's attention and made gestures showing that he _had_ to get off there and come inside.

Byakko nodded and understood what Suzaku had said in their unspoken communication, but it seemed he had something else in mind…  He motioned excitedly for Suzaku to watch, although she and dozens of the passengers hadn't taken their eyes off him.  When he had her full and undivided attention, he stared ahead and tried to put on his most serious face, but it wasn't that serious and instead his face broke out into a childish smile.

Suzaku watched as Byakko continued to ready himself, knowing he was leading up to something.  Then she saw it.  The paper tiger in the wind abruptly let go of the wing and zipped back, as if pulled sharply by something and above all noise, she heard him cry out, "Whee!!!!!"  Of course, as passengers on the plane started screaming, Suzaku laughed harder than she ever thought she could!  She wasn't worried at all, though, since she saw him vanish back to home after his "daring" stunt.

Ohh, he'd catch _hell_ from SohRyu, Suzaku just _knew_ it!

Mentally, she thanked Byakko for everything.  For the rest of the plane trip as she accompanied the dreamy Tsuzuki, she wasn't bored at all.  And half of the passengers on the plane were in hysterics from that whole stunt anyway, so that deemed the entire trip a success in her eyes.

As the plane landed in Chicago, Illinois after several long, but funny hours, Suzaku poked her still human.  "Tsuzuki, we're here!"

"Waaa?" Tsuzuki asked, as if her touch suddenly made him come alive.  "We're here _already_?"

"Yep!"

"…That was such a boring trip…"

Suzaku just giggled and kissed the top of his head.  "I'm glad you think so.  Now, when you see Hisoka, he won't possibly be able to resist you because you'll be paying so much attention to him!"

Tsuzuki enthusiastically agreed, and while Suzaku tried to make it seem as if she were leaving him with great reluctance, she was really eager to go see how Byakko was faring under SohRyu's wrath!

*~@~*

Somewhere in GenSouKai…

SohRyu chuckled solely to himself – he couldn't bear it if anyone else heard him – as he watched a now-real paper tiger Byakko flap around in the wind some other air type Shikigami was making for him as his "punishment."

"Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

Aw, SohRyu was really just a big softie after all!

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To Be Continued in Chapter 3!!

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Kyaaaaa, I LOVED writing that chapter!  Several times I had to stop because I just kept giggling like Suzaku at the sight of a paper-like Byakko flapping happily in the wind!  Now every time I hear the phrase "paper tiger" or read Calvin and Hobbes, I'm going to think of Byakko!  XD

Next Chapter: How will Tsuzuki find Hisoka when he's stuck all alone in a strange place and doesn't even know _English_?!  He needs help!  ^_^


	3. Chapter Three

**Title**: Idiots Anonymous

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: Genbu/Ham sandwich

**Warnings**: Tsuzuki not being able to speak English, Genbu, ham sandwiches, etc.

**Disclaimer**: All these cute Yami characters are Matsushita-sensei's, not mine.  I'm just _borrowing_ them for…ah…_entertainment_ uses…yeah….  (_whose _entertainment?)

**Notes**: (Genbu: *eats Illinois*  Illinois: WAH!!)  ^_^v

**Summary**: Tsuzuki's finally in America…but he can't speak English!  He needs the help of *dun dun duuuuun* …GENBU!

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Idiots Anonymous

By Elf Asato

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Tsuzuki stood in the middle of a corridor after walking for a few minutes from the departure area.  To him it seemed like he had been walking _forever_!  The corridor he was on was raised above the ground, so he pressed his nose against the glass to see below.

The Shinigami wasn't leisurely enjoying the sights and sounds of the busy O'Hare airport.  In fact, he was quite scared and nervous because he was _lost_.

He couldn't understand English.

"Waah!  What am I going to do?" he wailed to himself, but unlike as I type to you now, it wasn't in English, so people stared at him.  He tried looking at signs on the wall but he couldn't make sense of them, although he _should_ have.  They were just pictures, but Tsuzuki didn't go around studying the latest meaning for picture signs in the metropolis.

He tried walking a bit further and decided that he would go wander around in a secluded area until he exited the airport…

…And since he didn't speak or read English, he didn't notice the sign that read: "Do Not Enter."

"Hey, you!" a security guard who spotted the lost inu wandering around called out, but since it was in English, Tsuzuki wasn't able to understand it, so to him it sounded like: "Blippity blar!"

Tsuzuki heard the guy yelling at him, so he yelped, "WAH!" and tried to run away.  That guy had a big stick with him – who _knows_ what kind of psychos they have at airports!

"Bloop bleep blar bloppity! (Come back here, kid!)"

As Tsuzuki kept on running he yelled back at the guard, "I'm sorry, I can't speak English!!!!!!!!"  He had said it in his native Japanese, but the security guard, being from Chicago, was only able to understand English and a little Spanish, so all he heard was: "Wablah lahblah owah nasha leebleh Engrish!"

"Blippity blooha!  Beep bah gehru na blippityblorshpa blahlee bloop bleep blar! (Hey, stop!  We can get you a translator, just come back here!)"

Tsuzuki exclaimed, "WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and ducked into a crowd of people he spotted.  He had run back into a safe-zone, but he didn't know that.  The little Shinigami was just scared for his afterlife since that was a fairly long non-understandable sentence the security guard yelled out.

He finally came to the conclusion after much deliberation that he needed _help_, so he summoned the most knowledgeable shiki he knew.

*pop*

"Hey Genbu!" Tsuzuki greeted happy.  Finally, a familiar face!

Genbu started waddling off in another direction, greeting back, "Hey there, Tsuzuki…"

The inu eeped.  "Er, Genbu…I'm over here…"

The old Earth shiki turned to the sound of his master's voice and shook his hand (after accidentally groping the Shinigami) saying, "It's been a while, my boy.  What can I do for you?"

"Well," Tsuzuki explained, "Tatsumi's made me fly to Illinois in America so I can find Hisoka!  He's my partner…  But the only thing is, I can't understand English so I can't read anything and I don't know what everyone's saying!"

Genbu scratched his chin and muttered, "Hmm…  You made a wise decision in summoning me, Tsuzuki.  I know English."

"Really?" Tsuzuki perked up, his little inu ears erect.  "Can you be my guide?"  When the shiki nodded affirmatively, he kyaa-ed for joy.  "Thank you thank you!!"  Then he showed him a tiny slip of paper Tatsumi had given to him with the address of the place Hisoka was at.  Surprisingly enough, he never lost it.  It led him to Hisoka so he treasured it, always.

Genbu took the slip of paper and studied it for a while.  "…Hmm, I don't know where this is.  We'll have to ask someone."

On a normal day, Genbu would have been boring Tsuzuki – in fact, the two of them would probably go to sleep – but today was not a normal day.  It was a Hisoka Finding day and therefore that made it imperative that Tsuzuki do whatever he could to bring his cute little partner back!

The old shiki directed Tsuzuki to a snack stand (after running into a few little old ladies and children) and instructed, "Give her these slips of paper first and repeat after me carefully."  Tsuzuki twitched with anticipation as Genbu told him what to say in English.

"Goobly blah Rara (Excuse me, Miss)," Tsuzuki said in a heavy accent as he repeated what Genbu had said.  He gave her the slips of paper and continued, "Blee blopper likiwa bah blahahree blikie (I would like a ham sandwich)."

The lady at the snack stand flashed a smile and answered as she took the money, "Bleepee blippo blarso doblah deepah (That'll be four dollars, cutie)."  She handed him a cold ham sandwich in return.

"Well?" Tsuzuki asked anxiously as Genbu took the sandwich from the inu's little paws.

He bit into it.  "…Mm, good."

Tsuzuki twitched as Genbu waddled off, realizing that Genbu was proving to be _not_ helpful.

*~@~*

Back at the snack stand…

"Blippity cahla bah blobah blah boko doblah (Hey cool, he gave me fifty bucks)!"

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To Be Continued in Chapter 4!!

=======================

Bloko maka bah Engrish bahlee koda fablah (Making up the "English" was kinda fun)!  XD

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this short little chapter O_o  I've been to the O'Hare airport recently, but I've never been in the section for international flights so I wasn't able to really describe where he was…  I don't know if they have the cool little raised hallway thingies (I didn't know how to describe it T-T) at that part of the airport…

Next Chapter: Genbu _finally_ gets Tsuzuki to where Hisoka is…and Tsuzuki promptly dumps him XD


	4. Chapter Four

**Title**: Idiots Anonymous

**Author**: Elf Asato

**Pairings**: Genbu/Hooker, Tsuzuki/Hisoka

**Warnings**: Tsuzuki _still_ hasn't learned the language, Genbu's _still _blind

**Disclaimer**: All these cute Yami characters are Matsushita-sensei's, not mine.  I'm just _borrowing_ them for…ah…_entertainment_ uses…yeah….  (_whose _entertainment?)

**Notes**: (Illinois: *eats Genbu and Tsuzuki* Take that!)

**Summary**: Genbu and Tsuzuki find Hisoka!!  …But will Hisoka go back to his old partner?  (Tsuzuki: Hisoooooooooooka!!!!!  Hisoka: *twitch*)

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Idiots Anonymous

By Elf Asato

===============

By some unfathomable miracle, Genbu and Tsuzuki actually made it out of the O'Hare airport safely, even after Tsuzuki almost fell into one of the airport's magical toilets when trying to ride the seat.  Currently they were wandering around lost after obtaining the knowledge that Genbu was too blind to read.

Tsuzuki sighed as the shiki tripped over his thirty-seventh fire hydrant.  …And there weren't even that many in the city!  "Genbu…G-Genbu, over here!" The not-inu didn't like having to feel like _he_ was the adult!

Fortunately for the duo, the address written on the slip of paper that Genbu admitted to not being able to read was in the city, as told by a boy who mugged them soon afterwards.  At the moment, Tsuzuki was walking with the slip in his hand, comparing the unreadable letters and numbers on the buildings they passed to the even _more_ unreadable letters and numbers on the slip.

Needless to say, it was taking a long time.  A _very_ long time.  In fact, the entire reason they were mugged in the first place (beside being seemingly idiot foreigners) was because it was _night_ already!

"Genbu, quick, we've got to pray for a miracle!  That's the only way we'll be able to find our way to Hisoka, so get on your knees now!!" Tsuzuki cried out as he was near tears in frustration.  It was the realization that they had been through that very block more than several times that was too much for the poor Shinigami!

In the end, Tsuzuki had to drag the stubborn Shiki down to the ground to get him to pray with him.  He thought that perhaps the Shiki was only humoring him as he pretended to pray reverently…

And all of a sudden, a miracle happened!

"Ts-Tsuzuki?!" a familiar voice cried out from a window of the building beside them in shock.  "And – oh god, what the hell is THAT?"

Apparently Hisoka had never seen Genbu before.  But that was very much beside the fact and not the point at all.  The point _was_ that it was _Hisoka_!

The now-inu shot a look up and saw his beloved partner leaning out a window, very much in shock.  "HISOKA!!!!!!!!!" he cried out, flapping his arms, which made a few other people lean out their windows, too.  "HISOKAHISOKAHISOKAHISOKA!!!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!" a few distempered Chicagoans yelled out in English.  Tsuzuki, of course, only heard "BLARPA OO!" which rendered itself completely irrelevant to him because he couldn't understand it and it didn't come from Hisoka's lovely lips.

Hisoka, on the other hand, whispered an English obscenity as he quickly pulled his head back into the building and slammed the window shut.

Now this act to the little inu was absolutely heartbreaking.  So heartbreaking that he began to bawl loudly right there on the sidewalk next to Hisoka's building.  Had the distempered Chicagoans not been so busy screaming at the inu to shut up, along with various other English obscenities Tsuzuki had no idea about, while waving their guns at him, they, too, might have found it heartbreaking as well.

This continued on for a bit before the green eyed bishie appeared before Inu-Tsuzuki like a glorious mirage of water to a parched man on the steps of the building.  "_Tsuzuki_," he hissed, "stop this _now_."

Immediately Tsuzuki quit his bawling and looked up at the object of his newfound affections with red-eyed wonder, as opposed to wide-eyed since he had been crying so much and found the city air to be rather polluted…  "_Hisoka_!" he cried out, his voice wavering as his red, amethyst eyes shimmered, half out of happiness and half out of his eyes' need for lubrication.  "_HisokaHisokaHisoka!_"

"Idiot," said Shinigami growled as he muttered the word several more times, almost like a chant.  "Can't you say anything else?!"  …Like he was one to talk.

Almost desperately, the inu raced for the building steps, making Hisoka jump back a bit.  "Why did you _leave_ us?!" he asked immediately, what, with the question being foremost in his mind and all…

"I already told you," Hisoka said simply, almost deadpan, as all traces of earlier anger and embarrassment were removed from his tone, "I can't stand you."

Tsuzuki froze.  Having it being read by Tatsumi was one thing, but it coming from the Shinigami's mouth directly…

"And what are _you_ doing here?!" the anger came back into Hisoka's voice full force as he asked the question in a hiss.

No longer an inu, the elder Shinigami simply stared at his ex-partner with tearful eyes, no longer red due to the ample crying he would be doing in…

Five…

Hisoka immediately saw what was happening.

Four…

"Tsuzuki, _no_!  Stop it!"

Three…

"It's _late_ – the people in this neighborhood want to _sleep!_"

Two…

"Tsuzuki, if you value your life, you'll shut up!"

One…

"They will call the _police_ on you, Tsuzuki, and you'll get _me_ in trouble!  I'm here under_cover_; I can't afford something like that!"

All this was lost to Tsuzuki, however.

Zero.  Commence meltdown.

"HISOKAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tsuzuki wailed, sending simply awful and heartrending vibes to the harried empath.  "HOW COULD YOU _DO_ THIS TO US?!!!!!!!!!!  HISOKAAAAA!!!"

"TSUZUKI, URUSAI!"

Tsuzuki, though, much to Hisoka's dismay, would not urusai.  He would not urusai indeed.

So un-urusai-y was he that he let loose another round of wailing.

"YOU WERE MY _PARTNER_, HISOKA!!!!!!!!!!!!  I LOVED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"IDIOT, SHUT UP!" Hisoka shot back.  His yelling wasn't helping the poor Chicagoans, busy loading their guns and calling the cops, sleep any more than his ex-partner was.  "GO BACK TO JAPAN AND GET THAT RAISIN-LOOKING THING OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"That Raisin-Looking Thing," AKA Genbu, though (poor, neglected Genbu), had found something far more entertaining than the spectacle before him.

More expensive, as well.

Tsuzuki looked up just in time to see his old shikigami being escorted away by a rather provocatively dressed woman.  Oh well.  Figured.

One good thing that came out of it was that he had stopped crying.  Finally.

Instead, he just lightly sniffed as he asked Hisoka the Deep and Personal Important Question: "…Do you _really_ hate me?"  And then to make Hisoka as uncomfortable as possible, he gave him the irresistible puppy eyes.

Hisoka sputtered just a little before giving in.  "…Tsuzuki…come inside.  It might rain soon."

Tsuzuki sniffed and gave his best shot at a happy smile, which ended up as the heart wrenching "sad-but-trying-to-be-happy" smile.

Ha, Hisoka couldn't possibly resist!

*~@~*

Meanwhile, back with Genbu…

…Well, we probably don't want to know what Genbu's doing right now…

=======================

To Be Continued in Chapter 5!!

=======================

As I already told Ghost Doll, I did _not _mean "glommped" _or _"glommed."  I meant GLOMPED!  Apparently this person doesn't quite understand what that means… ^_^ But _anyway, _thank you to everyone who's reviewed!!  I think someone mentioned that they thought that Genbu was not a summonable Shiki…  Well, you're probably right XD  I just felt the urge to stick him in the ficcie ^_^v Really now, how many times do you see Genbu in fics?  He's so…ignored!  Oh yeah, I've actually never seen a picture of Genbu, so in this fic he's old and wrinkly and therefore looks like a raisin thing to Hisoka…

Next Chapter: Hisoka gives Tsuzuki a Big Explanation of Things ^_^v


	5. Chapter Five

**Title**: Idiots Anonymous  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Watari  
**Warnings**: _Straight_!Hisoka?!  
**Disclaimer**: Dude, it's different…whoa. Er, uh, you know these characters don't belong to me. Neither does Gary England!**  
Notes**: (Hisoka: beats Illinois with a Stick Back! Back, I say! Illinois: WAH! I'll call my friend Oklahoma! Oklahoma: opens up a can of whupass on Hisoka) Also, let it be known that I thoroughly despise QuickEdit with all of my heart. I'd like Oklahoma to open up a can of whupass on THAT!  
**Summary**: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of _Hisoka Explains It All_! (Hisoka: wtf…)

**Idiots Anonymous**  
**By Elf Asato**

Hisoka sat the incredibly anxious inu on a narrow twin bed in the dingy room he had brought him into, saying it was the room _they_ were staying in for their assignment, fully preparing to rationalize away when…

"We have a hotel room?"

"With my partner, I have one, yes."

"We get to stay in Chicago in a hotel room? Cool!"

"No, Tsuzuki, I—"

"We get to stay in Chicago, whee!"

"_TSUZUKI_!"

And then, dun dun duuuuun (or, at least, that's how it was in Hisoka's Soap Opera World), the bathroom door opened to reveal

– cue violins shrieking dramatically –

a woman.

Which was _very_ unexpected.

"Oh God, I–" Tsuzuki began loudly, cupping his hands over his mouth, with a frightened, apologetic look on his face. "I had no idea, Hisoka, that you, you, I mean, I just assumed that you were…I mean, _everyone_ is, so, I mean, it's right for someone to assume, but OH GOD, Hisoka, when were you going to tell us this? And here we were, thinking you'd settle down with a nice boy and then you go and surprise us by being a…_freak_!"

Hisoka twitched and looked at his ex-partner incredulously. "What the…?"

"Oh Hisoka," Tsuzuki-turned-Inu moaned, "you should have told us that you were _straight_!"

And Hisoka blanched. Heh.

The woman coming out from inside the bathroom, who had been momentarily forgotten, suddenly made herself known with: "_What?_ That boy's gayer than sin!"

Hisoka paled, yet blushed at the same time. Double heh.

His newly-assigned partner was an outspoken, yet ancient American woman from Oklahoma who had pre-cognitive, meteorological, psionic abilities.

…Meaning she could accurately predict the weather.

Her name was Gary England.

The clairsentient, green-eyed, almost-emo kid, dubbed gayer than sin by the old lady from Oklahoma sputtered, "HEY."

And that was all. Really.

Tsuzuki, at the knowledge from the old lady who sort of looked like Genbu – he thought they would make a nice, bored-to-tears couple – and smelled a little like him too, smiled and little inu ears sprout from his head. "So, if you're gay, you'll love me, right, Hisoka?"

"No," Hisoka said, promptly crushing Tsuzuki's Hopes and Dreams. "I can't stand you, remember?"

"No."

"Oh. Well…um…I do."

"And the _Hell_ you _do_!" Gary England remarked, phwapping Hisoka upside the head. "I've read your not-so-secret diary, young whippersnapper, and I know for a _fact_ that you are hopelessly in love with that cute young man you call Tsuzuki Asato and only transferred here because you're afraid of loving him!"

"HEY, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT," Hisoka growled ineffectually.

And Tsuzuki blinked.

So Hisoka _didn't_ explain it all after, uh, all…

Gary England did.

Well, the only possible resolution to a situation such as that was for Tsuzuki to drag the stubborn empath back, kicking and screaming, to Japan complete with a transfer.

Once Hisoka had settled himself back in his rightful home with Tsuzuki as his rightful partner…

"Say it," Watari persuaded with a dangerously sweet cupcake in his hand. "Say it or I'll make you eat this!"

"FINE, I'LL TALK!" Hisoka caved in, unable to stand up against his arch-nemesis: Sugar.

Tatsumi folded his hands in his lap, _pleased_, as his smile was as dangerous as the cupcake. "I'm glad you decided to cooperate with us, Kurosaki-kun."

Hisoka sighed and began, "Hi…my name is Kurosaki Hisoka and I…I…I'm an idiot."

"Hi Hisoka," the office greeted warmly.

"Glad to have you back!" Inu-Tsuzuki beamed as he Super-Glomped his New Old Partner on the desk, and everyone helped themselves to cupcakes.

The New Old Office Empath looked out the window and remarked, "Hey, Gary said that today would be deliriously sunny, and it is…"

"Gary England?" Tatsumi asked with recognition as Watari eyed a spot of icing on the corner of his lips. "She has connections up above. That's how she's able to predict the weather so accurately."

"Hey, she also called you a whippersnapper," Tsuzuki remembered…for once…as he cuddled the none-too-resistant Hisoka.

"Yeah, and…?"

"I'll snap your whipper any time."

…Hisoka promptly shoved Tsuzuki off the desk and ate his cupcake.

**somewhere-not-here**

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

…The fic ended.

**_To Be_ Not _Continued in Chapter 6!!_**

For the record, Gary England was an ancient, not-a-woman weatherman for Oklahoma when I lived over there…

It was short, but you'll deal!

Next Chapter: It ended. D'oh.


End file.
